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Art lovers, knuckleheads unite

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June 28, 2017

Maybe, maybe not: We could have our own Bilbao Guggenheim gallery built by Bunnings fans. Possibly.

It’s been a week of good luck, dumbfounded idiocy and nail biting apprehension.

Because I am a watermelon commo, I believe that art is more important than real estate, sport and cars, so I depend a lot on good luck and idiocy to get by in life.

Difficult to understand, I know — but I am also a vegetarian who enjoys long walks along deserted beaches at sunset with my dog.

So inevitably I am champing at the bit to see the five designs for Shepparton Art Museum to be unveiled on Tuesday.

If I was an art-loving horse, I would be seriously chomping.

Whatever shape it takes, the new SAM will have a bigger impact on this town than the new Bunnings.

I take that back — nothing will have a bigger impact on this town than the new Bunnings.

Except perhaps a Brett Whiteley retrospective at Bunnings.

Now that is an interesting concept — a perfect combination of the abstract and the practical.

This idea could provide an answer to the eternal question — how do we get people who enjoy banging nails into things to go to an art gallery?

Place a surprise Albert Namatjira in among the 2.4 m x 0.9 m aluminium perimeter fence panels priced at $59 and bingo!

You have a potential convert. Equally, a Jackson Pollock placed discreetly among the clam shell sandpits priced at an attractive $13.45 would certainly shake things up a bit.

It is entirely possible that a man looking for a box of 10 m x 75 mm galvanised bugle battens priced at an amazing $15.80 who came across a giant Mark Rothko by accident could alter his life’s course.

Instead of living life as a piece of plywood who enjoys a beer and a Chiko roll, he may start to question the reason for existence and start drinking 2012 Gewurtztraminer Kabinett and become involved in animated discussions about Proust.

He may even become vegetarian.

All this is possible if we think just a little outside the plasterer’s square and make the most of our opportunities.

Shepparton could attract bon vivant plumbers and abstract expressionist sparkies from across the globe.

We could have the best of both worlds — a place for knucklehead toolies and limp-wristed art fops to meet and compare the intrinsic beauty of a Bosch 18v cordless impact driver for only $129 and the work of an emerging indigenous artist such as Eric Brown for $1000.

I really hope the five architects shortlisted for the new SAM designs can include my concepts.

It could be a game changer.

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